Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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