I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
