I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
