Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Randomize
