The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
