Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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