I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
God, you're like boner-b-gone
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
you had me at cake vodka
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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