i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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