I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
