I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
