maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
