The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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