My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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