I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
