I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
