I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
