It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
