According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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