his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
My vagina is very pro this idea
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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