i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
