Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I did not marry a roomba.
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