Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
