I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
