I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
