ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
