I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I need a beard to bite.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
