Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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