she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
