In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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