the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
