I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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