No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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