The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Randomize
