Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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