Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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