When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
