I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
