a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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