there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
