We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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