Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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