me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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