Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
