i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
