At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
