Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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