To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize