Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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