you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
