my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
