can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize
